triviageek

The Wages of Satan are...Pre-Approved! Now at 13.5%
by aphra behn


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There is one overwhelmingly un-Biblical evil that stalks our land. Like a Very Heavy Thing of Sin, it drags us down into the depths of the 6,000-year-old Ocean of Doom. Since our nation must surely be governed according to the principles of the Bible (as interpreted by me, of course), we must STOP wallowing in this Cesspool of Total Naughtiness.

That's right. I'm talking about Satan's dominoes...the most un-Biblical scourge of our time. CREDIT CARDS.


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25 " If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.(Exodus 22:25)

35 ' If one of your brethren becomes poor, and falls into poverty among you, then you shall help him, like a stranger or a sojourner, that he may live with you.
36 'Take no usury or interest from him; but fear your God, that your brother may live with you.
37 'You shall not lend him your money for usury, nor lend him your food at a profit. (Leviticus 25:35-37)

19 " You shall not charge interest to your brother -- interest on money or food or anything that is lent out at interest.
20 "To a foreigner you may charge interest, but to your brother you shall not charge interest, that the LORD your God may bless you in all to which you set your hand in the land which you are entering to possess. (Deuteronomy 23:19,20)

Oh, for shame, you James Dobsons, you Jerry Falwells, you Ralph Reeds. Where have you been in our Holy Crusade?

Thankfully, our new PAC, Focus on the Usury, is here to help good, god-fearing Christians lobby our elected representatives against the credit card industry. We have a fairly simple legislative agenda that restore our nation to its glorious Puritan roots


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Step 1:All interest payments shall be immediately returned with 1/100th interest.

11 "Restore now to them, even this day, their lands, their vineyards, their olive groves, and their houses, also a hundredth of the money and the grain, the new wine and the oil, that you have charged them." (Nehemiah 5:11)

Step 2:All CEOs who do not agree to the above receive a fair trial; if when convicted of unreptentant usury, the death penalty is applicable

13 If he has exacted usury Or taken increase -- Shall he then live? He shall not live! If he has done any of these abominations, He shall surely die; His blood shall be upon him. (Ezekiel 18:13)

I realize that this may seem extreme.


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[but] if we do not shape up:

24:1 Behold, the LORD makes the earth empty and makes it waste, Distorts its surface And scatters abroad its inhabitants.
2 And it shall be: As with the people, so with the priest; As with the servant, so with his master; As with the maid, so with her mistress; As with the buyer, so with the seller; As with the lender, so with the borrower; As with the creditor, so with the debtor.
3 The land shall be entirely emptied and utterly plundered, For the LORD has spoken this word. (Isaiah 24:1-3)

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The Lord has been very, very clear about what to do in order to achieve perfection:

7 If he has not oppressed anyone, But has restored to the debtor his pledge; Has robbed no one by violence, But has given his bread to the hungry And covered the naked with clothing;
8 If he has not exacted usury Nor taken any increase, But has withdrawn his hand from iniquity And executed true judgment between man and man;
9 If he has walked in My statutes And kept My judgments faithfully -- He is just; He shall surely live!" Says the Lord GOD. (Ezekiel 18:7-9)

... as an interesting historical sidenote, these laws were actually followed scrupulously during the medieval period, and usury was actually illegal. and deut 23:20 is the reason that jews obtained their stereotype as moneylenders - because christians couldn't make any money loaning to each other (at least in theory) they mostly didn't bother. so the jews took that business because while they also followed the commandment, it only applied to other jews for them. by the renaissance christians realized they were losing out on a lucrative business, of course, so decided not to take those parts of the bible seriously anymore.